TORONTO – Mayor John Tory partook in a ceremony at the newly named Rob Ford Memorial Stadium this afternoon, christening the park by smashing a slightly burnt crack pipe against a concrete support.
“I want to thank Mr. Tory for that beautiful ceremony,” said Doug Ford, city councillor and brother of the deceased former mayor. “It was everything Rob was all about: community, football, and crack cocaine.”
The stadium, formerly Centennial Park Stadium, has been renamed to honour the late Ford’s years as a civil servant, his passion for football as a coach and program organizer, and his torrid substance abuse and slew of both racially and sexually charged scandals while mayor.
“It’s important to honour the people who have worked tirelessly for Toronto,” said mayor Tory, signaling workers to demolish the park’s bike racks. “It’s the least we can do for someone who gave so much.”
The park will include other key features, like a memorial plaque outlining the history of Rob Ford’s career, a memorial fountain that will gush with baton rouge wing sauce, a bar that over-serves every night, and plenty of dark and secluded designated dealing areas.
“That part really got me tearing up,” said Doug Ford. “If there’s one bit of wisdom that Rob would have wanted pass down, I’m sure it’d be that we all need privacy when we’re buying crack.”
Later on, when asked where all of the park’s restrooms had gone, John Tory reportedly gave a small smile and gestured to every corner and alcove in the park, saying “a little thing like that never stopped Rob.”
