VICTORIA, BC – A recent study by the Baby Boom Institute has confirmed that the only obstacle facing young people who seek employment is their own refusal to be middle-aged people.
“Our research has only reasserted what many people my age have known for a long time,” said lead researcher Sal Johnson, who got his university degree for 600 dollars a semester in the 1980s.
“If young people want to be able to pay for food and rent, then they need to buck up and have the good sense to be born between the years of 1955 and 1972.”
The report’s findings show that some 34% of young people have selfishly wasted time and money on worthless university degrees, rather than simply dropping out of highschool and immediately finding a high-paying job with security, benefits and the chance of promotion.
“Young people often complain that it’s difficult to find work,” said your mom’s friend Danielle, the project’s chief statistician. “What this research shows is that young people just have to hit the pavement and hand out some resumes in the year 1979, like responsible adults.”
The study found that 25% of young people were underemployed, likely so that they could have more time to play on their iPods. Shockingly, nearly 100% of the young people interviewed for the study also said they preferred being paid in money for the provision of goods and services, rather than in great opportunities, great on-the-job experience, and unique on-the-job opportunities.
“It’s a sense of entitlement we have difficulty understanding,” said Johnson. “None of us wanted to work for nothing, so we got our foot in the door before all the jobs were outsourced to Southeast Asian sweatshops and the trade and labour unions became crippled versions of themselves. The fact that these young people didn’t do the same leads me to believe that they’re just looking for a handout.”
This is not the first time that a groundbreaking study has come out of the Baby Boom Institute. In the last year alone, the BBI has also published such influential papers as “The Rolling Stones Still Rock”, “The Groundbreaking Comedy of Chuck Lorre”, and “The ‘Internet’: Will it stick around?”
