Windsor, ON – Local man Ryan Garner was pronounced dead this morning after being stabbed and hit by 3 cars in a row, the last of which knocked him off a 40 foot high bridge, making him just…
Tag: mortality
Local woman successfully avoids thinking too much about the donated urns at Value Village
WINNIPEG, MB — After an encounter with a used urn for sale at Value Village, local woman Trisha McKay has successfully avoided thinking too deeply about it. “I didn’t spare it a second thought,” …
Innovative! West Virginia finds way to maintain COVID mortality levels post-COVID
WEST VIRGINIA- In a time when most states are struggling with low mortality rates, West Virginia Governor and local boyboss Jim Justice (R) is offering state residents a chance to win guns if the…
Dead whale really ruining the experience of being carried across beach by God
NANAIMO, BC – According to local sources, the rotting carcass of a beached grey whale has complicated Becky Shelton’s profound spiritual crisis. “Don’t get me wrong, I love that God is here to c…
7 movies to watch before you die tomorrow at dawn
2001: A Space Odyssey. North by Northwest. 400 Blows. Cinema is filled with classics, but these days there’s too much to watch in one lifetime. Especially when the beasts want you dead! Here’s se…
Actor Luke Perry dies at age – what? 52 years old? That can’t be right
HOLLYWOOD — Following a sudden stroke, beloved actor Luke Perry has died in hospital at the age of, huh, 52, okay there is no damn way that Dylan McKay was 52 years old. Known worldwide for…
Woman dying of laughter also gradually dying, day by day
HAMILTON, ON – As she doubled over in laughter, hand still clutching her iPhone, Ashley Zucker, wiped a single tear from her eye. An image based meme had managed to temporarily relieve her …