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Canada Votes 2015
“Poilievre is too extreme to win a general election,” says man who also said that about Harper, Ford, Trump and the other Ford
Pope takes over empty apology duties from exhausted Trudeau
Federal, provincial, and municipal leaders strike landmark deal to blame each other for housing prices
Canada sends Ukraine shipment of duct tape to fix earlier shipment of weapons
Sounds like roommate’s pretty bad at sex
Cat watching you scoop litter box with quiet authority of tiny feudal lord
“Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee!” says co-worker who is still terrible after they’ve had their coffee
Journalism students rush to sign up for ‘report whatever cops say as true’ seminar
‘Never Have I Ever’ Toronto ad features couple who have never been renovicted
Toronto police spend $1m on flip flops for officers to patrol beaches
Doug Ford grants powers to new Strong Mayors, Fast Mayors, Heat-Vision Mayors
Five ways to guilt friends into seeing your terrible Fringe Play
Montreal rioters concerned COVID rules are destroying small businesses before they can destroy small businesses
Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history
Montreal halts road construction until everyone can enjoy it again
Half of Osheaga too high to realize festival ended 2 days ago
Vancouver removes tents from Eastside unless they can prove they’re a weed shop
Thousands of Vancouver perverts delight in taking pictures of tree genitalia
New ‘Vancouver’ edition Peloton bike includes daily theft attempt
White man listing privileges starting to feel pretty accomplished
Tied Yukon election to be decided by traditional chainsaw throw
Yukon exposed to 2 cases of assholes
Yukon refuses to change clocks back in smug defiance of the will of Demeter
Rest of Canada happy to exchange NWT election results for federal one
York Professor asks for a note from a dictator before agreeing to defer student’s exam
Queen’s students argue their campus outbreak will be way better than Western’s
Gaming the system: Recent 92-year-old university grad gets to die before she pays off her debt
Western University invites David Wooderson from “Dazed and Confused” to speak at convocation
Acadia University: The Beaverton University Reviews
Dalhousie University: The Beaverton University Reviews
OCAD University: University Reviews 2014
Ryerson University: The Beaverton University Reviews
NDP claim Liberals stole their idea to form majority government
Sun newspapers still reporting Harper majority
90-year-old who has never voted proudly casts first ballot for Social Credit party
Conservatives unveil last minute attack ad accusing Justin of supporting Kansas City
World
World
U.S.
Historical Archives
Leaders assure world they have climate change plan to save themselves and that’s all
Canada sends Ukraine shipment of duct tape to fix earlier shipment of weapons
British Empire begs Sun to set on it
Putin determines cyber attack against Canada not necessary since Rogers is far more effective
New U.S. Environmental Protection Plan basically just giving nature guns
10 craziest things the FBI found in Trump’s Mar-A-Lago estate
FBI confirms everything seized in Mar-a-Lago raid very, very sticky
Being held accountable by federal government clear proof that Trump is not a real billionaire
Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history
Village virgin sick of donating blood to every ritual sacrifice
July 24th, 1967: French President De Gaulle calls for Quebec to surrender, await for international help for liberation
Portraits of Canadiocity: Martin Luther King Jr
Sports
Sports
“How do we make baseball more exciting?” asks only sport with mandatory stretch break
Hockey Canada buries Lucky Sexual Assault Settlement under centre ice before start of World Juniors
Pope Francis closes Commonwealth Stadium mass with 52-yard Hail Mary
Hockey Canada sexual assault scandal a real shock to anyone who has never met a junior hockey player
Business
Business
Columnist just going to re-run his “Nobody Wants To Work Anymore!” editorial from last month to save the effort
Grocery store that fixed price of bread denies fixing price of everything else
Local man figures he’ll wait until the next internet outage to read a book
Elon Musk as committed to Twitter takeover as he is to fatherhood
Culture
Culture
Lifestyle
Health
Opinion
Parenting
Stats
Classifieds
Shakespeare festival to spice things up by casting actors they used before, a lot
BodyBreak duo returns to television for gritty origin story reboot
Back To The Future remake sees Marty go back to 1992, buy house
Guy who’s about to puke really selling this “not gonna to puke” thing
Damp-hand fetishist introduces himself to people coming out of public restrooms
Buffoonery anticipated as man laden with food and drink attempts to enter hammock
“Did a thing!” posts white woman who has either cut her hair or invaded the nation of Kosovo
“Sorry my place is so messy!” says friend whose floor is cleaner than your only plate
REPORT: Loneliness epidemic singled out, ostracized by other epidemics
“Why are you still wearing a mask?” asks friend who’s had Covid 3 times
“We’re all going to get COVID eventually,” says man about to give you HPV
New Texas laws prevent doctors from life-saving surgeries if cancerous tumour is one of those that grows teeth and hair
Editorial: This is my very bad, not thought out opinion and if you get even a little mad at me I’ll freak the fuck out
Editorial: Actually, some of my best friends are multicultural – by Michael Ford
Editorial: If COVID-19 is so bad, how come I got it 3 times and I can still do a backflip?
OP-ED: You wearing a mask actually is infringing on my freedom by making me feel guilty and selfish
Toddler cannot fucking believe mom is here
Ontario reaches $10 child-care deal after Doug Ford achieves sole objective of no one getting help for a full year
Man raised by wolves unable to explain his tech job to parents
Disturbing UN prediction: by 2030, 80% of all newborns will be named Jackson
93% of Canadians will never pay off their blood debts
86% of August e-mail traffic just duelling Out-Of-Office messages
2014 Canadian Federal Budget Preview
Most frequent lies found on online dating profiles
Missed Connections: You were the public urinator on Main and 5th
LOTS OF JARS FULL OF APRICOT PITS.
ESSAY WRITERS NEEDED ASAP. BIG MONEY $$$$$.
UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend.
BeavFeed
Beavfeed
Choice Your Own Adventure
Quiz
Slideshow
Guide To/How To
Summer fun: Top five Edmonton patios to inhale exhaust
5 Father’s Day gifts that scream, “Go to therapy, for the love of God!”
Tragic! This woman still not picking up game as it goes along
5 Household chores better than social interaction
You’re Jason Kenney. Can you find an excuse to get out of going to Calgary Pride?
You just lit off a bunch of fireworks before realizing you were in the Art Gallery of Ontario. Can you save the priceless pieces of art?
You magically turned into a bug! Can you live a happy and fulfilling life?
You have a chance to punch a Nazi. Do you take it?
Quiz: Which Conservative leadership candidate are you, and why is it Pierre Poilievre you sick fuck?
Quiz: Do you have Omicron? The answer is yes
QUIZ: Is he really into you, or does he just need your love to break his family’s curse?
Quiz: Do you live in a failed state or just Alberta?
Highlights of U.S. Election Day
10 things Doug Ford has already used the notwithstanding clause on
6 rugs that are actually just clothes you left on the floor
5 effortless pottery overalls worn by calmer women than you
How To Go Vegan…Next Week
Guide To: Edmonton
Guide To: St.John’s
How To Lose Weight
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Self-driving car quietly drives up stairs to tuck in sleeping owner
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