Stephen Harper loses virginity
OTTAWA – After a wild night of tea and overly competitive Boggle, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper retired to his residence at 24 Sussex Drive with his wife Laureen, where he made lov…
If PJ Stock does not shut up, he will find out about the switchblade I keep in my jowls
BY ELLIOTTE FRIEDMAN It is an honour to be a part of CBC’s legendary Hockey Night in Canada broadcast, and to spend the second intermission discussing the most important hockey news with so…
The Beaverton endorses Montreal municipal candidate: Maximus Corruptus
The editors at the Beaverton have endorsed Maximus Corruptis for Montreal’s proconsul. The Beaverton editors believe that as the American Empire crumbles, we need only look back to t…
The Beaverton endorses Montreal municipal candidates: Team Mob
The editors at the Beaverton have endorsed Team Mob for Montreal municipal office. The Beaverton endorses the re-election of Team Mob. Tradition is the backbone of any great city and the Beaverto…
The Beaverton endorses Montreal municipal candidates: Team Stock Photo
The editors at the Beaverton have endorsed Team Stock Photo for Montreal municipal office. This bright team of comfortably generic models will bring a convincing synergy to Montreal’s City …
BBM for Android: Blackberry users now only a functional phone away from being connected with the world
WATERLOO, ON – The release of BlackBerry Messenger (BBM) for iPhone and Android this week prompted waves of excitement amongst Blackberry owners who are now only a working phone away from b…
Abandoned circus definitely not haunted, says clown skull
DEER CREVICE, ON – The old, abandoned circus on the edge of town is entirely free of malignant spirits, according to the glowing skull in the rainbow wig that floats beside the rusted-out t…
Mulcair discovers that he is too bearded to approach children in park
KANATA — After a very awkward 5 minutes in a Kanata playground, Thomas Mulcair came to the realization that his beard disturbs families and scares children. “Well,” a forlorn Mu…
Dave Keon begins crafting hit single in hopes of finally getting banner in ACC
TORONTO – With Bon Jovi successfully getting a banner at the Air Canada Centre, former Toronto Maple Leaf legend Dave Keon has decided to emulate the band’s approach to finally get his numb…
