Local man bored to death by euthanasia debate
VANCOUVER – Mark Wilson is so tired of British Columbia’s assisted suicide debate that he’s now asking for the option to end his life to prevent hearing about the subject ever again. “When …
I will be the white guy that finally fixes Canada – First Nations relations
BY BOB RAE CHAIRMAN FOR FN (PTP) GROUP LIMITED PARTNERSHIP After over a century of failed policy, destructive assimilation attempts, and culture demolition I have finally found a way to solve all…
Lab-grown meat refuses to stop screaming
MAASTRICHT, NETHERLANDS – A series of synthetic beef hamburgers grown in vitro at the University of Maastricht have begun screaming, and have resisted all attempts by researchers to get the…
Canada, EU reach free trade deal after Dave eats nation’s supply of Brie cheese
BRUSSELS – Canada and the European Union have signed a historic free trade agreement, which resupply Canadian fridges after Dave ate all of country’s Brie cheese. “Canadians will be relieve…
After 40 years Steve Miller admits no one ever called him the Gangster of Love
Friday Harbour, Washington – At a press conference in front of his home legendary singer and blues guitarist Steve Miller admitted that, despite the claim in his famous song ‘The Joker’ no …
RCMP fracks aboriginal protest
REXTON – Responding to a road blockade set up by Elsipogtog First Nation members protesting SWN Resources use of Aboriginal land, the RCMP used various high-pressure techniques to fracture …
Doctor Who fans celebrate release of long lost unwatchable episodes
Following the discovery of several 1960’s era Doctor Who tapes previously thought destroyed, Who fans are eagerly awaiting the release of the dated and plodding episodes that will undoubtedly be …
Montreal police arson squad return from group outing to find offices destroyed by fire
MONTREAL – After a morale-boosting spa day, Montreal’s arson squad returned to work yesterday only to find their offices destroyed by arson. “It’s been a long couple months for us. We’ve be…
Green party places Laraque on injured reserve with fraud accusation
MONTREAL – In an unexpected roster move, the Green Party transferred Georges Laraque to the injured reserve list yesterday with a fraud accusation. In a post-garden-visit press conference, …
Doctors admit ‘turn-your-head-and-cough’ procedure one big practical joke
TORONTO – The Canadian Medical Association announced today that the procedure of twisting a man’s scrotum and asking him to turn his head and cough is a longstanding prank. Until now, docto…
