Spooky Harper government opens haunted House of Commons
OTTAWA – Lineups have already begun to form in front of the Parliament buildings after Prime Minister Harper’s midnight announcement that the terrifying haunted House of Commons would…
Local man hoping to be more successful on LinkedIn than Match.com
Brampton, ON – As he waits for the employment offers to come flooding in, Ryan Guthrie, who has been dateless on Match.com for three years, hopes that LinkedIn is an easier nut to crack. “I…
Chris Hadfield ejected from movie theatre for loudly heckling Gravity
WATERLOO, ON – Responding to numerous patron complaints, the staff of the Empire Theatres Waterloo reportedly removed famed Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield after he would not stop heckling a sc…
Petition calls for modernization of National Anthem
A group of petitioners, including Margaret Atwood, have been calling for the Canadian National Anthem to be modernized, such as by making the lyrics gender neutral. What’s your say? “Sure, becaus…
Stephen Harper loses virginity
OTTAWA – After a wild night of tea and overly competitive Boggle, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper retired to his residence at 24 Sussex Drive with his wife Laureen, where he made lov…
If PJ Stock does not shut up, he will find out about the switchblade I keep in my jowls
BY ELLIOTTE FRIEDMAN It is an honour to be a part of CBC’s legendary Hockey Night in Canada broadcast, and to spend the second intermission discussing the most important hockey news with so…
The Beaverton endorses Montreal municipal candidate: Maximus Corruptus
The editors at the Beaverton have endorsed Maximus Corruptis for Montreal’s proconsul. The Beaverton editors believe that as the American Empire crumbles, we need only look back to t…
The Beaverton endorses Montreal municipal candidates: Team Mob
The editors at the Beaverton have endorsed Team Mob for Montreal municipal office. The Beaverton endorses the re-election of Team Mob. Tradition is the backbone of any great city and the Beaverto…
