John Tory strategically votes for John Tory
TORONTO – Toronto mayoral candidate John Tory has chosen not to vote for his first choice for mayor and voted for himself instead. “It was a tough decision, but we can’t afford another four…
TORONTO 2014: The Beaverton’s Guide to voting in a way that pleases our advertisers
Our handy voter’s guide is designed to avoid political ideology and help you make non-partisan choices based on who will benefit us most through advertising and sponsorship deals. MAYOR SPOT OLIV…
Government reassures Muslim Canadians they will not be treated like Aboriginals
TORONTO – In the wake of two terrorist attacks within one week, Prime Minister Stephen Harper has reassured the Muslim community that the government will not take away their rights as they …
Reporters worried nation of Vimy Ridge, Kandahar has lost its innocence
OTTAWA – According to numerous international columnists, the recent murder of soldier Nathan Cirillo and the subsequent shootout in Parliament have caused the nation of Canada, which has fo…
NFL successfully raises awareness about biggest threat to women, other than players
NEW YORK – The NFL has declared themselves victorious in this month’s Pink Ribbon campaign to raise awareness about breast cancer, a disease that poses the biggest threat to women’s h…
CNN disappointed with Canadians’ lack of panic
OTTAWA – Following widespread, international coverage of the murder of a war memorial guard by a radicalized man with terrorist sympathies and the subsequent shootout in Parliament, news me…
Kinky Canadian scientist can’t wait to be muzzled
TORONTO – While preemptively binding himself with rope, Dr. Saul Goldberg, a prominent ecologist and S&M aficionado, expressed his excitement at being completely muzzled and degraded by…
Satan rejects endorsements from shitty metal bands
Hell via Des Moines, Iowa – Earlier today, Satan, the Lord of Darkness, officially rejected endorsements from “shitty” metal bands, who constantly praise Him in their lyrics. Th…
October 20, 1970: FLQ cell requires Bescherelle to write this week’s ransom note
MONTREAL – Members of the Front de libération du Québec ‘Liberation Cell’ were forced to use a Bescherelle after struggling with their French grammar writing their weekly ransom note “Is th…
Canada to politely bomb ISIS
KUWAIT CITY – After receiving parliamentary approval to conduct airstrikes in Iraq, Canada’s CF-18s will bombard ISIS targets in a friendly and polite manner. “We know that ISIS poses a sig…
