Update: Local man not coming out of toilet stall until the coast is clear
CHILLIWACK, BC – A local man is refusing to come out of a work toilet stall until all of his co-workers have vacated washroom. Andre Hamel, a software developer at HueSoft Ltd, has been hol…
BREAKING: The Beaverton has received a videotape of Rob Ford not smoking crack
TORONTO – In a shocking twist, The Beaverton has received an exclusive video of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford not smoking crack cocaine, stumbling drunkenly, or shouting any ethnic slurs. In spite…
Writers of popular Rob Ford dramedy criticized for recurring crack cocaine plot device
TORONTO – Viewership for the once wildly popular primetime show Mayor Ford has been steadily declining after writers used crack cocaine to advance the plot for the second straight season. The awa…
Oklahoma prisons to execute inmates using hot beef injection
OKLAHOMA – A special panel convened following a series of botched executions has announced today that Oklahoma prisons will be replacing the potent chemical cocktail previously used in leth…
Study: Coffee drinkers more likely to live longer lives, but die at a younger age
CAMBRIDGE, MA – A groundbreaking study from the Harvard School of Public Health revealed that coffee drinkers are more likely to live longer lives, but will die at a younger age. “We have r…
Montrealers say they will still pass out drunk at 2:30 AM no matter what time the bars close
MONTREAL – In response to the City’s plan to keep bars open until 6 am, Montrealers have stated that they’re still going to black out before 3 am anyway. “We love to party here,”…
Report: Donald Sterling does literally the only thing an NBA owner can’t do
LOS ANGELES – Sources inside the NBA head office have stated that the league is furious that L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling, having allegedly been caught on tape making racist comments…
Cigarette butt named official flower of Montreal
MONTREAL – Canada’s second largest city is adopting the common cigarette butt as its official flower emblem. The City of Montreal selected the cigarette butt since they are the most common …
Thousands of Nintendo Power Gloves, severed hands, found in New Mexico landfill
ALAMOGORDO, N.M. — As a documentary crew searched the Alamogordo Landfill for long-lost copies of the Atari 2600 game E.T. The Extraterrestrial, a separate documentary crew has discovered hundred…
