The Beaverton

Pedestrian not sure if defecated on by bird

TORONTO – A man walking west on Bloor Street near Spadina Ave. believes a pigeon may have defecated on his cheek and right shoulder earlier this morning, but he is unsure. “Could have been …


I am a Frosh Party Animal

By Martin ‘Figs’ Figlinsky My friends, I have to tell you, this year’s frosh celebration was really awesome! The University of Toronto has really topped itself. This was by far one of…


U.S. Air Force stealth bomber too stealthy

(UNDISCLOSED LOCATION) – Radar cannot detect it, and neither can the human eye. The U.S. Air Force’s top-secret stealth bomber, the C-THRU 117, a state-of-the-art aircraft so incredibly ste…


Cinnabon employee called ‘chief’

BURLINGTON, ON – A cashier at a local Cinnabon was addressed as ‘chief’ yesterday. Bill Pitkin, owner of an Oshawa-based landscaping company, had just finished a big meal at Eas…


Vernon Wells struggles with entrance music

TORONTO – Toronto Blue Jays center fielder Vernon Wells is in a slump, but it has nothing to do with his bat or his glove. The 31-year-old told reporters that he is profoundly troubled by t…


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