Man sticking up restaurant politely asks for Wi-Fi password
SUDBURY, ON – Shortly after producing a gun and screaming for everybody in the restaurant to get down on the ground, local armed robber Josh Radomsky is quietly asking servers for the Wi-Fi…
New Food Network show just Gordon Ramsay shouting at appliances
NEW YORK – Food Network has announced a new show to premiere this fall: This Is Shit!, which features Gordon Ramsay in various states of upset towards the appliances in his kitchen. “Oh, lo…
I was the first female nominee for president way before Hillary Clinton
By: Donald Trump There’s been a lot of talk about Hillary Clinton this week, and how she’s the first ever woman to be nominated for president of the United States of America. Well I&…
LCBO offers at-home delivery through Canada Post for highly-organized alcoholics
TORONTO – Today the Liquor Control Board of Ontario announced that it would sell products online, available for delivery through Canada Post, in an effort to target well-organized alcoholic…
Canadian media pulls coverage of man killed by police after realizing he wasn’t American
OTTAWA – A day after the death of Abdirahman Abdi at the hands of police officers, Canadian media have pulled their coverage, realizing the incident did not take place in America. “Oh wait,…
For the last time, I’m not Max Von Sydow
By: Christopher Plummer I need to get something off my chest. It’s not a major bother, it’s not the end of the world, but after 60 years I just don’t want to have to say it again. I am not Max Vo…
For first time, Tim Hortons releases line of products low in radium
MISSISSAUGA, ON – Breaking with tradition after more than half a century, Tim Hortons has released a line of products containing only a pretty good amount of radium. “Today’s co…
Minister apologizes to public servant Deborah Parks, SIN #555 053 043 for privacy breach
OTTAWA – Public Works Minister Judy Foote has personally apologized to public servant Deborah Jane Parks whose Social Insurance Number is listed as 555 053 043 and lives at 394 Johnson Blvd…
Minister of Fisheries says ‘it’s done,’ drops bloody Kraken beak on Trudeau’s desk
OTTAWA – After being absent from Parliament for three straight months, federal sources report that the Minister of Fisheries and Oceans, Dominic LeBlanc, has finally arrived back in Ottawa …
Trump promises America endless sexual pleasure through ritual mutilation
CLEVELAND – In a controversial speech at the Republican National Convention, Donald Trump promised the United States that undying sexual rapture could be theirs, if only they would give the…
