Scientists discover new, Earth-like planet for humanity to destroy
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Researchers at NASA this week announced the discovery of a new, Earth-like planet orbiting the star closest to the sun, which they say possesses physical properties condu…
Man wearing sunglasses actually looking directly at you
TORONTO – Several reports have confirmed that the guy wearing dark sunglasses is absolutely looking directly at you right now. “I’m sure it only seems like he is staring at me,” you said li…
Ontario government reminds drought-striken province to conserve water for Nestlé
TORONTO – Ontario Premier Kathleen Wynne has cautioned Ontarians who live in the drought-stricken regions to refrain from wasting water so that it may be bottled and sold by Nestlé. The pro…
Trudeau sends every Canadian wallet photo of Catherine McKenna
OTTAWA – In a lauded continuation of transparent policy, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has mailed every Canadian citizen living both at home and abroad a wallet-sized print of Environment Ministe…
Harper resigns from politics to spend more time with his egg sac
CALGARY – After several long discussions with his top aides, Stephen Harper has decided to resign from political life so he can focus on taking care of the egg sac filled with his unborn br…
Tattoo parlour employees lose track of which decorations are ironic
TORONTO – Employees at area tattoo parlour Jan Van Inyck have lost track of which decorations in the store have significant meaning and which are only ironic. “I’m guessing that…
CNE snacks feature innovative ingredients, contempt for humanity
Every Summer, visitors flock to the Canadian National Exhibition to sample unique culinary creations and test the limits of their masochism. This year, The Ex has outdone itself once again, offer…
Female Muslim Mounties can now wear hijab while being sexually harassed by co-workers
OTTAWA – The RCMP announced a crucial step forward in the organization’s quest for diversity, as Muslim women in uniform will now be allowed to wear their traditional headscarves as they re…
Starbucks opens first ever franchise inside Dave
PETERBOROUGH – After a long fought battle, multinational corporation Starbucks has finally completed construction on a franchise located inside Dave, a Peterborough man. “Dave was a tough m…
Ontario Tories apologize for youth seminar featuring waterboarding, Patrick Brown
MCMASTER UNIVERSITY — The Ontario Progressive Conservatives have released an apology to young party activists Tuesday, after organizers of a youth rally used violence, intimidation and the …
