Rogers CEO says joy of torturing Canadians with garbage hockey broadcast worth way more than 11 billion dollars
TORONTO – One week after signing a 12 year deal for NHL broadcasting rights that cost twice as much as their last deal, Rogers CEO Tony Staffieri said the deal is an investment in the compa…
Canada waiting for US economy to implode enough to make America 11th province
OTTAWA – With the stock market plunged into chaos by U.S. President Donald Trump’s sweeping tariffs, Canadians have decided to simply wait out America’s forthcoming economic col…
Disappointed fans slam White Lotus finale for never revealing whether rich people have problems too
TORONTO – Despite a well-received season 3 run, HBO’s hit series The White Lotus is facing backlash over failing to deliver on a central question that kept fans returning cliffhanger …
Ovechkin dedicates his record-breaking goal to the brave men and women bombing Ukrainian hospitals
NEW YORK CITY – Alexander Ovechkin has scored his 895th career goal, surpassing Wayne Gretzky’s record and making him first all-time among NHL superstars with terrible personal politics. Ovechki…
Convicted “Freedom Convoy” organizers hoping Trump will pardon them
OTTAWA – After being found guilty of criminal mischief, “Freedom Convoy” organizers Chris Barber and Tamara Lich insist they are not worried about what kind of sentence they’ll face as they’re su…
Conservative Party refuses to drop candidate for 20 years’ worth of controversial statements
OTTAWA – After four Conservative Party candidates were dropped from the running this week due to contentious social media behaviour, many have questioned why the party still refuses to drop…
Jewish students at Columbia deported for being anti-Semitic
NEW YORK – Jewish students who chained themselves to the gates of Columbia University have been arrested by ICE and deported for being anti-Semitic terrorists. As the protesting students we…
Dropped Conservative candidates horrified to realize other people can see their social media posts
OTTAWA – With less than a month to go until the federal election, candidates for the Conservative Party of Canada have been shocked and dismayed to learn that the things they post and share…
Trump googles “tariff” for first time
WASHINGTON D.C. – Using a fresh browser tab on a secure device, sources confirm that US President Donald Trump has, for the first time in his life, done a google search to find out what the word …
Poilievre to boost numbers with women by encouraging them to ask their husbands if they can vote for him
“If you ask nicely, maybe he’ll let you use the credit card this weekend too!” The Beaverton Weekly Report is making fun of the news once again. Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyr…
