Apple announces $600 sensibility-cancelling headphones
CUPERTINO, CA – Tech giant Apple introduced the world to a brand new member of the Airpod family, the Apple Airpod Max. This Bluetooth headphone promises high-fidelity audio, adaptive EQ, a…
Attorney General Barr resigns after finding no evidence of further dictatorial opportunities
WASHINGTON— Following a year and a half of helping to facilitate the Trump Administration’s descent into authoritarianism, US Attorney General William Barr handed in his resignation yesterday aft…
“Just figure it out!” screams Jeff Bezos at underlings after hearing of man who provides overnight shipping worldwide on Christmas Eve
SEATTLE – On the heels of their most successful year yet, Amazon HQ was thrown into chaos this afternoon after CEO Jeff Bezos caught wind of a competitor potentially edging in on holiday profits.…
Canada extends U.S. border closure to totally arbitrary date of January 21
OTTAWA – The Canadian Border Services Agency has announced that the Canada-U.S. border will remain closed until January 21st, “a date with no specific significance whatsoever.” “We would li…
Report: Best way to discover embarrassing errors in company email is to click “send”
VANCOUVER – According to a new study conducted by researchers at the University of British Columbia, the most effective way for employees to uncover horrifying typos in important company-wide ema…
Porch pirate disappointed stolen package only contains COVID vaccine
TORONTO – An opportunistic thief has been let down by his latest score after lifting the unattended UPS delivery from a hospital porch. “What the hell am I going to do with this?” said Tad …
Indoor restaurant builds separate indoor restaurant on sidewalk in order to work within COVID guidelines
Barrie, ON – Local restaurants have brilliantly adapted to the new COVID guidelines by building smaller but still fully enclosed restaurants outside their original restaurant. “People are n…
Op-Ed: Dr. Jill, kiddo, a bit of advice here: drop the “Biden”
by Joe Weitzmann Madame First Lady — Dr. Jill— kiddo: a bit of advice on what may seem like a small but I think is a not unimportant matter. Drop the “Biden.” Take it from me, a white man old eno…
Legault to reinstate holiday gatherings if Quebecers promise to kiss on only one cheek
Montreal – Following backlash after cancelling holiday gatherings, Quebec Premier Francois Legault suggested that Quebecers could see friends and relatives if they swear to only kiss them o…
Trudeau using December downtime to plan out 2021 ethics violations
OTTAWA, ON – Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is making the most of the slow period at work before the holidays to plan out future scandals to embroil the Liberal government for months on e…
