HAMILTON – After years of percolating marital tension and resentment, Michael Toredo has proclaimed that the recent dissolution of his marriage is just another victim of the dreaded year 2020.
“Yep, the only explanation for Brenda leaving me is the completely unavoidable shitstorm brought on by the fates this year,” exclaimed Toredo who had been systematically neglecting his wife for at the better part of the previous decade, “It was clear that no matter how much I tried, there was just no escaping what this year had in store for everyone.”
Toredo had maintained that the completely predictable end to his marriage had nothing to do with a lengthy history of forgotten anniversaries, poor communication, and prolonged episodes of infidelity. Instead, he argues, the inexplicably mercurial and arbitrary pattern of catastrophies brought on during 2020 has pointed its fickle finger at his otherwise healthy union.
“I did everything right. I said sorry every time I forgot to pick her up from work, I learned what food she liked to cook, I even got her a card after her mother died!” bemoaned Toredo, “but I guess 2020 just needed yet another notch on its old belt.”
Friends of the couple have confirmed that, while 2020 has chosen its victims and calamities to befall humanity capriciously, the Toredos were not one of them. Indeed, many present at the 2015 wedding who observed Michael brag about his sexual history during his wedding speech gave them no more than five years, max.
“It’s really not fair. I’m just another poor pedestrian in front of the runaway bus of 2020, completely blindsided by destiny,” philosophized Michael as he packed up his collection of vintage erotica he kept clearly visible in their living room when Brenda’s parents came over, “If only I had some warning!”
“First the pandemic, then Ruth Bader Ginsberg, then me!” he continued, “I guess these things really do happen in threes.”
Though Brenda in fact left the matrimonial home in 2019 to stay with her sister, following Toredo’s 2018 affair with his massage therapist, Toredo remains confident that the year 2020 is truly to blame.
“What’s so ironic is that this is the fourth time that a particular year has forced my marriage to come to a grinding halt,” Toredo lamented, referencing his previous three divorces, “But I’m confident the next one will stick!”