OTTAWA – Reports from the nation’s uncoupled population indicate that 2020 is the year we all became involuntary celibates.
“It’s been a hard year.” Says Abby Aquino of Hamilton. “My sex life pretty much consists of the 10 minutes I have to myself when my roommate leaves the house once every few weeks to do laundry,” she says. Asked about her opinion on “Chads”, muscular alpha men who are vilified in the incel community, Aquino answered, “I mean, sure, I’ll take a Chad. I’ll take a Mandeep, I’ll take a Stacy. I will take anybody, as long as they’re willing and covid free.”
“Yes, I do self-identify as an incel now,” Mark de Silva of Halifax claims. When asked if he agrees with the misogynistic, violent and extremist views associated with the term, De Silva was quick to respond, “No. God no. Just the sex thing. Also, I wouldn’t say I feel entitled to sex. I just really, really, really, really miss it.”
“Is there a word for when you’re only having sex with a pillow? Because that’s what I am,” says Mariam Beridze from Calgary. “Mostly I’m just against my coupled friends sending me pictures of their cute lives together during the pandemic. Now, that is what should be considered domestic terrorism.”
Gary Peterson, living in Victoria, says he’s been self-identifying as an incel long before the pandemic started. “I don’t appreciate everyone appropriating my identity,” he said over a Zoom interview last week. “It’s more than just not being able to have sex. It’s also about having a repulsive personality and a fundamentally misinformed notion of feminism. It’s like, oh you’re an incel? Name five words you would call a woman that isn’t the c-word.”
With the arrival of the vaccine to Canada, there is a chance that 2021 could look different for our nation’s sexless losers, well, for everyone but Gary, probably.