News in Photos (kinda). Happy New Year!…
Tag: New Year’s Eve
Nation’s dads announce plan to see you next year
OTTAWA — Pausing briefly during the lyrics to Auld Lang Syne, Canada’s dads reaffirmed their commitment to see the various people in their lives next year while loudly snickering to themselves. D…
Cheers turn to silent horror as New Year’s countdown reads -1, -2, -3
NEW YORK — Excited cheers rang out over a much sparser but still festive Times Square Thursday evening as the few onsite personnel gathered to bid farewell to 2020. But the usual joyful chants of…
2020: The year we all became incels
OTTAWA – Reports from the nation’s uncoupled population indicate that 2020 is the year we all became involuntary celibates. “It’s been a hard year.” Says Abby Aquino of Hamilton. “My sex li…
Public Health Agency of Canada advises to keep New Year’s kisses “to immediate family only”
OTTAWA – In a desperate attempt to quell the rising spread of COVID-19, the Public Health Agency of Canada put out a notice today warning Canadians against going out to celebrate New Year’s…
Inclusivity win! Hallmark introduces golf-free Father’s Day cards
In anticipation of this year’s Father’s Day, Hallmark has released a set of greeting cards that finally pays homage to all the fathers who do not play golf. Whereas before the only kind of Father…
CTV orders Beaverton ‘Year In Review’ NYE Special to put final nail in 2018’s coffin
TORONTO – As part of their plan to say good bye and good riddance to 2018, The Beaverton will air a One Hour New Year’s Eve Special on CTV at 10pm EST. “Unless we spend an hour …
Introducing a new gym that is perfect for your New Years resolution
Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton.…
CTV orders Beaverton New Year’s Eve special so funny, it will almost make 2017 worth it
TORONTO – In a move designed to lessen the terrible horror humanity has endured in 2017, CTV has commissioned a ‘year in review’ special from the Beaverton to air New Year’s Eve at 10pm. “O…
Local man’s new year’s resolutions too depressing for rest of party
REGINA – Sources inside Beverly Ackerman’s New Year’s Eve party last night say the event was brought to a screeching halt when attendee Michael Griffin proceeded to reveal the sad, inconseq…