Movie Review: Is seeing The Matrix Resurrections worth contracting Omicron? We don’t know, none of us were willing to find out

NOTE: This review contains spoilers for The Matrix Resurrections trailers but not the movie, since no one at the Beaverton has seen it because have you read the most recent COVID numbers? Jesus. …

Investigative Report: Ice cream scoop of stuffing makes any meal a festive special

TORONTO – After evaluating hundreds of fast food and casual dining restaurants across Canada, an in-depth investigation revealed that the key to a successful festive special is offering an …

QUIZ: Is he really into you, or does he just need your love to break his family’s curse?

There comes a time in every relationship when we must ask ourselves: is he really into me, or is he just using me… to free his family from the curse bestowed upon them by a witch long ago? …

38-year-old father of two excited for Christmas scratch n’ win card from his mommy

BEDFORD, NS – Local engineer and father of two Douglas Clyborne has spent the last week telling everyone how excited he is to open his stocking on Christmas morning and receive his yearly s…

Local man who hasn’t started Christmas shopping betting it all on Omicron lockdown

GUELPH, ON – While reportedly aware that he has only 7 shopping days until Christmas, local man Thomas Yeates is reportedly confident that a full province-wide Omicron lockdown will rescue …

Arts editor slamming fist on desk wants ‘film reviews of Spider-Man, dammit

NEW YORK – H. Henry Harrison, the arts and film editor of the Daily Trumpeter, was heard yelling across the newsroom Thursday that he ‘needed film reviews of Spider-Man’ and he ‘needed them…

“Sure Omicron may be 100% more infectious, but it’s 15% less deadly so everything will be fine,” says man who is real good at math

Red Deer, AB – As data comes forward indicating the Omicron variant is twice as infectious as Delta but possibly causes 10-15% less deaths amidst those it infects, local math expert Dalton …

Kenney encourages Albertans to superspread holiday cheer by allowing unvaccinated gatherings

EDMONTON – As Alberta heads into what will assuredly be the 5th wave of the Pandemic, Premier Jason Kenney announced Wednesday that he would be relaxing indoor gathering restrictions ahead …

Lovable weirdo downgraded to just weirdo

KITCHENER, ON – Well, it’s official: Wade Thomas has been downgraded from the status of Lovable Weirdo to just plain Weirdo, sources say. The 32-year-old Kitchener man loves lizards, potato…

Leafs fan instinctively starts singing Hall & Oates anytime something good happens to him

TORONTO – After 3 years of hearing Hall & Oates hit ‘You Make My Dreams’ blast through Scotiabank Arena every time the Leafs score a goal, die-hard fan Matthew Minden has be…