BY KRAMPUS, THE GERMANIC YULETIDE DEMON Guten Tag! With the holidays upon us once more it is time for I, the Krampus, to reflect on what is truly important. Oh, I’m certain things seem very simpl…
Ottawa man fighting for ISIS calls for lone wolf attacks, unless anyone wants to hang out
OTTAWA – The terrorist group ISIS has released a video of Canadian John Maguire calling on his fellow Muslim countrymen to carry out lone-wolf attacks, unless any of them want to grab a bit…
Child’s wish ‘it could be Christmas today’ granted; havoc ensues
ST. JOHN’S – The entire world was thrown into chaos this week, as 6 year old Tyler Smith’s request that “I wish Christmas was already here” as he fell asleep was inexplicably and cruelly granted,…
Charles Manson is getting married and I’m still single, even after I murdered all those people
BY DAVID ALAN RUSKIN Well ain’t that just a kick in the pants? 80 year old convicted murderer and cult leader Charles Manson – yes, that Charles Manson – is engaged to marry an attrac…
Bank of Canada Governor asks unemployed youth if they’ve considered serfdom
OTTAWA – With youth unemployment skyrocketing across Canada, Bank of Canada Governor Stephen Poloz is recommending that young people consider the ancient feudal status of serfdom to boost their c…
Doug Ford announces plans to return to role as bully in 80s teen comedy
TORONTO – Following the Toronto mayoral election, second place candidate Doug Ford has announced plans to return to his prior position as the preppy bully in the 1987 film Ski Dudes 2: Back to th…
Improv show tolerated by all
CALGARY – Wednesday night’s instalment of the longform improv comedy show, Lazer Slacks, was universally praised as “alright”, “satisfactory”, and “about what I expected”, according to the …
Conservative prostitution bill C-36 defines sex as gross, terrifying
OTTAWA – Bill C-36, the Conservative government’s proposed prostitution bill, will seek to define sex as “gross,” “terrifying” and “something only mommies and daddies should do when a…
DNA tests ‘prove’ that Jack the Ripper was a super weird dude
LONDON – Following years of DNA testing on one of the only surviving pieces of physical evidence, British scientists have conclusively determined that notorious serial murderer Jack the Rip…
COUNTERPOINT: I thought I was Minister of Veteran Affairs, not Minister of Crybaby Affairs
BY: HON JULIAN FANTINO, MINISTER OF VETERAN AFFAIRS It is critical to provide veterans with the facts about the benefits and services that are available to them so they may get the help they need…
