OTTAWA – Representatives from the Royal Canadian Legion have confirmed that their newly-redesigned poppies were built for optimal pointiness, size, and “gouge-ability”, to help Canadians be…
Male injection recipients complain after becoming first humans to ever suffer side effects from birth control
Geneva, Switzerland – Following a clinical trial of an injectable male contraceptive, the male scientists and male test subjects involved have announced that they are the first human beings…
Local woman relieved she can stop meaning to figure out what Vine is
ST. JOHN’S – With the announcement that Twitter will shut down its popular video sharing app Vine, local woman Angela MacIsaac, 31, has expressed relief that she no longer feels obligated t…
Local man repeatedly tries to order pizza on crashing website rather than call human being
FREDERICTON – Local electrical apprentice Mike Brenton is reportedly on his fifth attempt to order pizza on a crashing website, in a desperate attempt to avoid a two-minute phone conversati…
Local adult “only has 2 weeks” to finish Halloween costume
PRINCE RUPERT – Despite being a 33-year-old adult male with a job and bills to pay, local copywriter Ben Gibson has expressed concern that he will be unable to complete his Edward Scissorha…
Blue Jays conspiracy theorists cling to “second thrower” theory
TORONTO – With police claiming to have identified the man who threw a beer can onto the field during Tuesday’s wild-card game, a vocal subset of fans insist there was an unidentified “secon…
BREAKING: Gas station bathroom will have to do
OUTSIDE BRANDON, MANITOBA – Late breaking reports from the TransCanada Highway indicate that, with all other conceivable options off the table, the men’s room of the Fast Gas N Go will have…
3rd Amendment warrior warns Clinton will quarter soldiers in private homes without owner’s consent
Mobile, Alabama – 3rd Amendment values voter Rusty Scofield warns that Hillary Clinton secretly plans to abolish the US Constitution’s 3rd Amendment, in order to house soldiers in citizen’s…
Journalists criticize Clinton for not moderating debate
Hempstead, NY – Following the first debate of the 2016 United States presidential race, members of the media are furious that Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton for failing to moderate the …
Nestlé outbids Ontario man for access to his body’s water
PETERBOROUGH – Local man Dave MacIsaac has been outbid by multinational food and beverage giant Nestlé, who have now secured the rights to the water which makes up 60% of his body. A spokes…
