SACRAMENTO, CA – California Governor Gavin Newsom announced yesterday that the Mars Rover, Perseverance, was going to have to pay a significant fine for breaking the COVID-19 rules on non-e…
Study: “Dream cheating” revealed as number one cause of divorce among psychics
TORONTO – A new study conducted by the University of Toronto has found that the phenomenon known as “dream cheating” narrowly beat out heart line incompatibility and the unexpected presence of “T…
Twitter suspends Trump’s Twitter account after waking up from four-year coma
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Twitter finally suspended Donald Trump’s account for twelve hours today after the President released a video praising a violent mob of his supporters who stormed the Uni…
Public Health Agency of Canada advises to keep New Year’s kisses “to immediate family only”
OTTAWA – In a desperate attempt to quell the rising spread of COVID-19, the Public Health Agency of Canada put out a notice today warning Canadians against going out to celebrate New Year’s…
Poet takes road less travelled by, dies
BANFF, AB – Tragedy struck yesterday after poet Gregory Prince was found dead in the woods several kilometres off a popular hiking trail. Prince had been missing for several days after artistical…
“This ain’t my first rodeo,” brags man who has never even met a cow
TORONTO – After listening to a coworker explain a simple solution to a tax problem yesterday, accountant Jim Barnes was overheard confidently shooting down the advice and declaring “Listen, this …
Woman who forgot to do laundry reluctantly puts on clown suit
TORONTO – Ashley Greenfield woke up this morning to discover that after weeks of putting off doing laundry and hand-washing her underwear in the sink, she was officially out of wearable clothing.…
Attorney General Barr resigns after finding no evidence of further dictatorial opportunities
WASHINGTON— Following a year and a half of helping to facilitate the Trump Administration’s descent into authoritarianism, US Attorney General William Barr handed in his resignation yesterday aft…
Report: Best way to discover embarrassing errors in company email is to click “send”
VANCOUVER – According to a new study conducted by researchers at the University of British Columbia, the most effective way for employees to uncover horrifying typos in important company-wide ema…
Feminist win! Supreme Court nominee who thinks women aren’t people is a woman!
WASHINGTON – U.S. President Donald Trump nominated certified #girlboss Judge Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court this afternoon, who, if confirmed, would not only become one of only three wome…
