NEW YORK – After almost two decades of mutant sightings in the New York sewers and a lengthy siege, spokespersons for the New York Police Department have reported that a nest of mutant turtles has finally been destroyed.
“Frankly, this was probably a job for the Marines,” said a bedraggled Lieutenant Corrigan. “Those monsters killed six of our officers.”
The incident began two days ago, when two ‘sandhogs’ – maintenance workers for the New York sewers – were ambushed and slaughtered by a pack of man-turtles while tracking the source of a mutagenic fluid leak. A third sandhog, Danny Wasserman, fled, surviving to describe the attack:
“It was pitch black down there, and the leak was leading us into an unshored region of tunnel. All of a sudden, this thing loomed out of the darkness. It was the size of a man, but it was covered in green scales, and it had a shell. I saw a glint down by its side, and that’s when I realized, oh jesus, it has a knife.”
After a failed initial attempt to clean out the tunnels using turtle gas, the NYPD elected to end the problem quickly, if riskily, by assaulting the tunnels head on.
“Of course we volunteered,” Police Constable Jimmy Lotruglio told reporters from his hospital bed. “This is New York, ain’t it? We always gotta keep up that First Responder spirit. Plus, there was bonus pay.”
“Humph,” continued Lotruglio, raising his elbow stump. “Now I wish I had a bonus arm.”
Other officers have described the entire scenario as ‘senseless’.
“Why were they wearing masks?” beseeched detective Dewey Flam, rocking back and forth, “how can you have a secret identity when you’re a six-foot man-turtle?”
“And why carry a bo-staff when you have a beak that can slice open a man’s torso?” Flam continued, scratching at invisible bugs.
Not everyone is pleased with the outcome of the NYPD/Foot Clan joint operation.
“This was a hysterical overreaction to what normally would have been harmless creatures,” said April O’Neill, a spokesperson for Greenpeace.
“Autopsies have shown that their diet consisted almost entirely of pizza. Reports of their predatory intelligence have also been greatly exaggerated. What kind of plans can you hatch using a vocabulary of words like “bodacious” and “tubuloso?”
The NYPD is still unsure how the turtles were informed of their approach, but Police Commissioner Hank Shredder has expressed concerns of duplicity.
“I smell a rat,” Shredder said. “A great big rat. Or maybe a Splinter group of corrupt cops.”
