GLENKARNEY – An unexpected development occurred Tuesday at the Annual Scotch Distillery convention in Glenkarney, Scotland when the collected distillers revealed that all scotch everywhere has completely identical taste.
“We had been milking the idea for a while now that there are hidden notes of citrus or undertones of chocolate in some blends and rosewood flavourings from rum casks or some such nonsense in others,” stated Jim Carscadden, master distiller for The MacCallan single malt, “but the guilt of such bald-faced lies got the better of us. We’ve just been putting different labels on all the bottles at random. There’s literally no distinction between any of them.”
“Honestly, this whole Scotch thing started as a bet to see if we could get people to drink something that tastes so horrible,” Carscadden added.
A recent public poll suggested that this announcement was inevitable, with 98% of consumers not being able to distinguish between different scotches and the remaining 2% offering wildly inconsistent descriptions of each. A further 99.35% of people could not tell the difference between scotch or other whiskeys.
“Oh they’re all the same thing,” said Angus MacDuff, the cooper for Highland Park, “scotch, whiskey, bourbon, they’re literally all the exact same thing with zero differences. We were going to announce that part to everyone tomorrow.”
When asked what the shared flavour between the scotches was, the distillers unanimously agreed on the term: smokey-burny.
“Smokey-burny describes all of them without fail. There’s nothing much more to it than that.” elaborated Carscadden, “I guess if you wanted to go further, ‘varnish charcoal’ might be a more exact descriptor.”
“Oh yes, ‘varnish charcoal’ is exactly what they all taste like. All of them. Spot on,” agreed Timothy Patrick, of The Glenlivet.
The revelation is not without precedent as cigar and wine manufacturers had admitted the same thing with respect to their own products a month earlier. Experts predict that these announcements will result in a dramatic downturn in the number of 20-40 year olds trying to impress each other with empty, unearned smugness.
