CALGARY – With the Alberta Separatism referendum fast approaching, pro-separatist groups have launched a new campaign to entice investment dollars to their chaotic barely-planned idea for a country.
In the wake of Prime Minister Mark Carney’s Canada Investment Summit, which saw potential trillions of dollars earmarked for Canadian projects, Alberta Separatist groups have been quick to issue an official response, “You think you’re better than us?”
Headed by Alberta Prosperity Project leader Mitch Sylvestre, the hastily-formed investment committee is dedicated to having Alberta first secede from Canada, and then convincing institutional investors to bring along their dollars to whatever country-shaped entity rises from the ashes.
“The Liberals have been terrible for Alberta’s ability to make money, and Mark Carney is just more of the same,” Sylvestre said about the Prime Minister currently planning to sell Canada’s airports to the highest bidder.
Outlining the pro-investment campaign, Sylvestre demonstrated a keen understanding of the private equity mentality. “If there’s one thing sovereign wealth funds and big institutional investors love, it’s parking their money in a destabilized, rogue petro-state that borders on an erratic nuclear superpower.”
Sylvestre remained bullish on an independent Alberta’s ability court investment. “We Albertans are experts at extracting resources from the ground, and then letting multinational conglomerates extract that value out of Alberta!”
“After all, nothing says ‘long term fiscal stability’ like a country that was formed five minutes ago and doesn’t have its own currency, military, or stock exchange.”
In a related story, Sylvestre’s plan has already been endorsed by a dozen CIA operatives wearing “Alberta Strong and Free” hats.
