OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark has unveiled his new federal AI strategy, promising Canadians that artificial intelligence technology is the most advanced, efficient way to surrender all of our collective wealth to US Tech oligarchs.
“AI is the technology of the future, specifically the future where 5 astronomically-wealthy Silicon Valley overlords control every resource on the planet,” Carney announced, reading a speech that had been prepared by ChatGPT.
The Carney Government’s new “AI for All” strategy will see Canada invest in homegrown AI technology that will fail to compete against trillion-dollar US systems, allowing the government to steadily contract out government services to American systems like OpenAI, Claude, and if they’re in the mood for some CSAM, GrokAI.
“Our laughably half-hearted efforts to spur Canadian AI sovereignty will make it much easier to eventually round up all of our national data, so that it can more easily be handed over en masse to US corporations so wealthy that we could never hope to regulate them,” Carney added, offering a thumbs up to a photo of a dead eyed Sam Altman.
Canada’s Minister of Artificial Intelligence and Digital Innovation, Evan Solomon, echoed the PM’s enthusiasm. “I know a lot more about fine art fencing than I do about AI, but I do know that it is imperative for us to hand all of our wealth, and most importantly natural resources, over to companies like Anthropic AI.”
“As Canada’s AI Minister I’ve had several high level meetings with Palantir’s junior marketing intern,” Solomon continued, “and Delcie explained to me how important it is for Canada to voluntarily submit the North American surveillance state they’re nearly done building.”
Carney added, “Once we Canadians have given these tech giants all our money and control, we won’t notice creeping AI psychosis, or how the technology is destroying critical thinking for an entire generation.”
Despite enthusiasm for the strategy, Carney acknowledged the difficulty of building Canadian’s trust that AI will effectively take all of their money and jobs.
“It doesn’t matter if the technology actually can perform people’s jobs or even turn a profit,” Carney added, “What is important is some very wealthy men told me that it could, and so that is why I’m asking all Canadians to empty their TFSAs and mail the money directly to Silicon Valley.”
