OTTAWA – Local man Matthew Kearns has admitted that, despite despising Trump and wanting Canada to remain independent, it would almost be worth becoming the 51st state just to watch American politicians and media try to wrap their heads around Quebec.
“I’m a proud Canadian and wouldn’t sacrifice our independence and heritage for anything,” said Kearns. “But watching American politicians try to appeal to a Camus quoting Montreal grad student and a rural Quebec farmer who only wants to talk about dairy supply management policies would almost be worth it.”
“I think the distinct society conversation would make their faces melt off like the Nazis in Indiana Jones when they opened up the Ark.”
Canadians nationwide seemed to agree that forcing Americans to learn about Jean Baptiste Day and the history of fur trading was the best reason to join the U.S., narrowly beating cheap shopping, lower taxes and finally getting In-N-Out Burger.
“As a Quebecois I could never support joining with those bastard Americans,” said Jean-Luc Tremblay-Bouchard. “But if we must I promise to be so annoying that they beg us to go independent.”
“I don’t think it would take me too long to understand life in Quebec. I mean, I’m Catholic, and I learned how to speak French by studying in Paris. How different could it be,” said one American man who didn’t even know who the fuck Bonhomme Carnival was, let alone understand his unique religious/sexual importance.
In related news Quebecois were already threatening to kill any American politician who suggested we teach religion in schools and hang the body from one of their hundreds of thousands of churches.
