LAS VEGAS – Speaking from her residency in Las Vegas, British singer-songwriter Adele has announced the release of a new single all about spending time at the mall, checking out cute boys, and just doing, you know, whatever.
“I’m quite excited to be able to show the world this latest passion project of mine,” the musical icon stated whilst adjusting the pink scrunchie holding together her jaunty side-pony, “I think it will really show everyone the real me, which is all about spending time with my besties over at a mall in the suburbs.”
While critics note that the song is a bit of a departure from Adele’s normal fare, they cannot deny the singer’s unbridled enthusiasm for the subject matter. Promotional images from the neon-infused music video show Adele trying on Juicy sweats in Bloomingdales, laughing over an extra-large Orange Julius, and skateboarding through the mall parking lot.
“We are very happy to see Adele take this route with her music. Away from all that sad, bleary-eyed trifle she used to do,” the singer’s dour, stone-faced managers commented, “This is truly step one in Adele’s rebranding her image as a party girl who only wants fun, fun, fun.”
Fan reactions to the early release of the song have been decidedly mixed. While some prefer Adele’s former style which mixed haunting melodies with profoundly emotional lyrics, many others are just so thrilled to finally see her macking on hot guys. Sales of the distressed, acid-wash jean jacket Adele wears on the cover of the single are through the roof.
“To all the haters out there: If you don’t love me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best,” Adele shouted to no one in particular while smacking loudly on watermelon Hubba Bubba, “So peace out, catch you on the flip side, and smell you later!”
Sample lyrics from the single have leaked online, including the incredibly catchy chorus which is being shared by 11 year old girls worldwide:
Hangin’ by the Food Court,
Gonna get some bangles maybe pierce my ears,
Jimmy M. from math class,
OMG my heart cheers
Adolescence is the coldest heat in the unwavering storm of my lonely love
Your thoughts betray your words my sweet child of passion, I cast you out
LOL LOL LOL LOL
Girl power is what I’m all about!
Since releasing the statement, retailers have advised that they are rapidly selling out of all copies on CD, vinyl, and cassingle.
