ATLANTA – In an effort to counter the high numbers of vaccine skeptics in the nation, the CDC has recently announced that they will be hiding doses in peanut butter.
“We’ve kind of abandoned any hope of convincing these people using science, math, compassion, reason, logic, bribery, or big words,” said Dr. Keith Bambridge of the Centres for Disease Control, “so instead we’re just going to hide it inside some yummy, yummy peanut butter and hope people eat it without noticing.”
As it stands now, the plan is to leave spoonfuls of peanut butter in conspicuous locations around major population centres as well as in rural areas. Single doses of the COVID-19 vaccine will be embedded deep within, waiting to be consumed by passers-by. Experts plan to deploy the peanut butter Trojan Horses in areas frequented by anti-vaxxers, including homeopathic centres, survivalist bunkers, outside Jenny McCarthy’s home and anywhere else where the appallingly idiotic gather en masse.
“At first we were worried that the spoonfuls would be consumed by people who had already been vaccinated, or perhaps by animals,” explained Dr. Bambridge, “but fortunately, anti-vaxxers are only skeptical about things which have already been supported by medical science as a good idea. They’re more than happy to unquestioningly eat an abandoned blob of peanut butter they find on a tree stump somewhere.”
“Even raccoons aren’t that stupid,” he continued.
Still, doctors are concerned that once word gets out that the reluctant have been involuntarily inoculated, getting the second dose into them three weeks later will be even harder. Indeed, many anti-vaxxers have realized they can just lick off the peanut butter carefully and avoid the vaccine. Some proposed strategies include hiding it in rolled up pieces of ham, mixing it into batches of essential oils, using the ‘here comes the airplane’ technique, or getting a big guy to just hold them down while a doctor just lets them have it with a bunch of needles.
“All I know is I’m not going to be first in line to get jabbed with Microsoft 5G tracking devices to “cure” this PLAN-demic! I’m going to trust in my own natural immune system, coupled with some good old Vitamin D supplements in order to fight this completely unprecedented disease outbreak which has killed millions of otherwise healthy people,” said Francine, who refused to give her last name, “Now, excuse me! It appears that someone has left a spoon heaped full of Skippy’s Extra-Salty Crunchy Peanut Butter perched enticingly on that mailbox over there. Nothing suspicious about that!”
At press time, family doctors have announced that they will be adopting similar tactics to get anti-vaxxers to take their heartworm medicine.
