CANADA – The country’s Grandma’s, Bubbies, Oma’s, Nai Nai’s, Abuela’s and Nonna’s are collectively sick of these COVID-19 ‘through the glass visits’ preventing them from kissing their fucking grandkids.
“Talking to my grandson Tyson through the door just isn’t doing it for me. I need to plant a big, fat, wet one on him, I need it like medicine,” stated a wild-eyed Wendy Gibson of Fredericton, NB as she wrapped a towel around her hand.
In retirement residences across the country, Grandmothers are frothing at the mouth, grabbing chairs, croquet mallets, and CPAP machines to throw through the glass separating them from their beloved grandkids.
“Sure, it’s nice to see them through the window but it’s simply not enough,” noted Debra Cheng who, with several other residents, hoisted a long table and counted down from three before smashing it into the large dining hall windows.
Many Grandmothers have reported other disturbing effects of their isolation, including: their cheek pinching muscles atrophying; their inability to slide 5 dollar bills into their Grandkids coats; and being unable to force margarine containers filled with weird soup on their family members.
“We don’t have to worry about exposing ourselves. We’ve knitted face masks and entire hazmats out of a very dense wool,” stated a slightly muffled Eileen Woodrow, spitting wool out of her mouth.
According to reports, 9 out of 10 Canadian Grandmothers are absolutely sick of this shit, noting that the virus completely interrupts their plans to spend their senior years planting sloppy, lipstick covered kisses on their grandchildren at every possible opportunity.
“I’d even kiss my son Bill’s freaky daughter with the greasy bangs and the pagan necklace,” stated Mildred Jackson of Calgary, AB who does not like her son Bill’s daughter.
At press time, Grandmothers across the country were heard screaming, “HOLD ME BACK AGNES, HOLD ME BACK.”
