MISSISSAUGA, ON – This week at the law firm of Wessleman and Wessleman, a suitcase-sized first aid kit was discovered to contain every medical supply imaginable except for the common band-aid.
Employee Kevin Watson rifled through the robust kit for a full half hour, but could not locate a single band-aid. “I found 75 packages of iodine, several wooden planks for making splints, and plenty of empty band-aid boxes,” sighed Watson, who was forced to wrap his finger in toilet paper. “And it’s all covered in dry blood, presumably from the last guy that cut himself.” added Watson.
Managing Partner Bethany Jasper was disturbed to hear that the company first aid kit was found lacking. “We spared no expense, on that first aid kit,” said Jasper, holding up a defibrillator, a handful of EpiPens and a roll of gauze larger than a tractor wheel. “I’m reasonably sure there are tools in here to perform an appendectomy.”
Jasper went on to point out peripheral health items such as multivitamins, a can of chicken soup, and a recording of a soothing mother’s voice saying ‘there there.’” “We’ve even got reading material to improve mental health,” added Watson, holding up a copy of Daring Greatly.
Jasper has clarified that her firm cares deeply about workplace safety, and next quarter will upgrade their first aid kit to include vials of laudanum, the polio vaccine, an iron lung, a St. Bernard with a flask of whiskey around its neck, and a VHS tape that gives detailed instructions on how to open your own hospital.
At press time, Watson walked to the pharmacy next door to buy his own band-aids and announced that employees in search of one can always come by his desk. “The smallest amount I could buy was 100 and it cost four dollars,” said Watson, who went off in search of someone, anyone, with a fucking aspirin.
