VANCOUVER – A new business designed to combine the trends of axe throwing, escape rooms, adult dodgeball, and unique dining experience has closed on its first day after the deaths of 438 patrons.
“One of the biggest inspirations for the company was the idea that many young adults are often indecisive about what they want to do for a fun night out,” said Michael North, CEO of the Vancouver Thrill Zone, “so we figured we would combine a bunch of popular entertainments into one great location! But we were wrong.”
“Very, very wrong,” he added.
Eyewitness reports suggest that the carnage began after a dodgeball game being played between two groups of young professionals strayed out of the painted boundaries and into the range of a bachelor party competing at the axe throwing range.
In the chaos that followed, several panicked members of the bachelor party wound up in an escape room where they were mistaken as the killers that the Paint Supply company doing a team building exercise was supposed to escape from. This lead to several falls into the vat of dry ice being used to flash freeze desserts.
Scattered reports suggest that the axes were grabbed by someone from the escape room and used as a tool to look for the exit key. Unfortunately,the propane feed line for the torches used to sear the wagyu beef was struck which started a fire in the northeast corner of the facility, quickly spreading through the wooden targets in the axe throwing range.
“In retrospect, the biggest mistake was probably our failure to purchase dodgeballs made of flame resistant rubber because they immediately burst into flame in midair and became fire projectiles,” said North.
Despite the death toll at that point, authorities believe the final number would have been much lower had one of the escape room participants not found a key that they believed solved the game. Sadly, this key actually opened the large warehouse doors leading to the under development go-kart/tiger petting zoo areas.
“I lost all my friends. All of them,” said groom Steven Ratcliffe through tears. “Although the free popcorn was a nice touch.”
