KYIV, UKRAINE – Citing a desire to “connect face to face”, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau recently reached out to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy with an aim to “share some insights” about being invaded by a hostile neighbouring superpower.
The meeting, which took place in Kyiv today, was the result of a carefully-calibrated DM from Trudeau to Zelenskyy via LinkedIn.
“Good morning, I hope this message finds you well,” wrote Trudeau in a private message to Zelenskyy, who is nearing the 3 year anniversary of Russia’s unprovoked invasion of his nation. “I’ve long been a fan of your work, and wondered if you might have time for a quick coffee to discuss some best industry practices, specifically regarding not being annihilated.”
The Canadian Prime Minister then indicated a willingness to “swing by your neighbourhood, if that’s easier for you”, which involved a 9 and a half hour flight to the city of Kyiv, currently under active siege by Russian military forces.
Trudeau’s message closed with, “Leave your wallet at home, coffee is on me, haha”.
Sources inside the PMO indicate that Trudeau was especially keen to “pick Zelenskyy’s brain” regarding effective strategies for repelling an all-out military assault by a nearby country with an exponentially larger military, led by an authoritarian tyrant with an utter disregard for human life.
“The Prime Minister has been doing plenty of research for comparable target nations to meet with,” explained one aide, “and Ukraine was the closest fit for our use case. Probably because most nations who’ve been invaded by larger rogue aggressors aren’t still around to share valuable learnings.”
Regarding his casual meeting offer, Trudeau attempted to google coffee shops near to Kyiv’s Presidential Office Building, though found most were listed as “permanently closed” after having been destroyed by Russia’s relentless and indiscriminate drone attacks on the Ukrainian capital.
Hours later, Trudeau received a courteous yet professional response from Zelenskyy’s LinkedIn account.
“Hi Justin, great to hear from you,” read the DM. “I’m a bit pressed for time these days, haha, but could possibly squeeze you in on Monday between my morning intelligence briefing and my afternoon five intelligence briefings.”
“Here’s the address of a non-smouldering café. Let’s say kevlar-casual? Best, V.”
In other world news, President Trump enthusiastically congratulated Germany’s conservative party on their recent election victory, before being disappointed to learn that the winning party wasn’t the nazi kind of conservatives.
