OTTAWA – Just hours after announcing he was stepping down as Liberal Party leader and prime minister, Justin Trudeau was begging for the job back after spending 10 minutes browsing the Ottawa housing market.
“Wait, so the government doesn’t give everyone a house? And they cost how much? Wow, someone should really do something about that,” the prime minister said.
Trudeau then vowed that, if elected yet again, he would look into this alarming new problem, and also totes do election reform, for 100% super-realsies this time, no take-backsies.
“You guys want more tax cuts? How about, uh, Free Beer Day? Done and done,” Trudeau said, as he was dragged away from his press conference by Mark Carney.
“Please, for the love of God, don’t make me live all the way out in Kanata! I know everyone hates me now, but we had some good times, right? What do you say to another round of ol’ Justin?”
With the race for a new Liberal leader on, Trudeau has already asked the frontrunners if he could crash with them at Rideau Cottage until he works out a better plan.
“I could move back into my childhood home, 24 Sussex Drive, but that place is a dump,” Trudeau said. “I guess I could always go back to being a teacher. How much do they make these days?”
“Oh God.”
The Prime Minister then informed the nation that he would make an ideal roommate, describing himself as clean, quiet, and likely to be away from home for long stretches of time as people continue to threaten him.
“At least someone will probably hand me a cushy corporate job, so I could probably afford a spare room in a basement suite somewhere,” Trudeau said. “Plus I have a pretty kickass coffee maker.”
At press time, a melancholy and regretful Trudeau was starting to accept that he might have to move to some trash heap like Edmonton.
