OTTAWA – In the wake of the news that Russia was paying far-right personalities to promote talking points that helped sow discord in America and Canada while supporting Russian talking points about Ukraine, Rebel News founder Ezra Levant has reacted with fury over the fact that he wasn’t getting any of those sweet Rubles.
“Hundreds of thousands of dollars to trash DEI initiatives, promote outlandish conspiracy theories and undermine support for Ukraine?” asked Levant. “I was doing all that for free!”
“You’re telling me I didn’t have to endlessly data mine my audience by getting them to sign pointless petitions and go to newly created fundraising websites about whatever issue I’m pretending to be mad about this week?”
Beyond the money Levant was particularly hurt that Russia would use right-wing influencers like Lauren Southern and Lauren Chen, when he is just as much of an unethical shill as they are.
“I get it, they’re slightly more photogenic than me. Whatever. If you want the biggest name in right-wing shithousery in Canada you call me! Why go out for hamburgers when you have steak at home?”
At press time Levant was trying to google Putin’s phone number to see if he could still make a deal.
Update: We at the Beaverton have a confession to make. We’ve been taking money from Denmark to write stories that would undermine Canada’s claim to Hans Island. That’s why we wrote stories like: “Breaking: only woke cucks think Hans Island is Canadian” and “Just FYI: Lego doesn’t freeze, but maple syrup does.” We made 42 dollars.
