WASHINGTON DC – With Joe Biden announcing his plans to drop out of the US presidential race, Donald Trump’s campaign has publicly asked the Democrats to nominate a similarly ineffectual octogenarian who will fit seamlessly into the GOP’s carefully crafted campaign messaging.
“If you Democrats could do us one small favor, we’d really love it if you could replace Biden with the exact same kind of weak-seeming elderly candidate, ideally someone even older than our own 78-year-old dementia-ridden Donald Trump,” explained Trump 2024 campaign manager Chris LaCivita to CNN.
“The truth is we’ve gone all in on the ‘strongman vs weak old guy’ messaging, which immediately falls apart the second you put Trump next to literally any other human candidate. So another super old geezer would be really helpful,” LaCivita added, sweating visibly.
“Oh, and if that eighty-plus year old could have COVID and also be named ‘Joe’, that’d save us from having to reprint all these bumper stickers. Thanks!”
Trump campaign insiders have reportedly been too busy high-fiving each other for the past month to think of any workable campaign strategies against an opponent who isn’t a fragile and soft-spoken senior citizen with a lifelong stutter. Alternate Trump campaign slogans currently include “Trump 2024: This Time With Extra Racism”, “Trump 2024: Way Less Scary Than The Project 2025 Creeps Controlling Him”, and “Trump 2024: How Long Until I Call Kamala The N-Word?”
Following Biden’s announcement, former-president Trump took to Truth Social:
“It is COMPLETELY unfair that the crooked Democrats would change candidates from one that is uniquely suited to distract from my advancing age and psychotic ramblings!!! The only FAIR thing is for them to REPLACE Biden with a different MUMMY like Bernie Sanders, or the exhumed corpse of Dianne Feinstein, or maybe the Madame Tussauds wax statue of Joe Biden???”
At press time, Democratic leaders have reported that they are in talks with former president Jimmy Carter to take Biden’s place at the top of their ticket.
