OTTAWA – In the wake of findings that have stunned the psychiatric community, researchers are now reporting that over one in 20 people are sociopaths, and that every single one of them plays sound at full volume from their phone on transit, in the gym, in the elevator, or, sometimes, just waiting at a crosswalk.
“Science has long been aware that individuals with antisocial personality disorder — often referred to as ‘sociopathy’ — formed at least 1% of the population,” Dr. Burt Kenther of the Canadian College of Psychiatrists told reporters. “But the revelation that Canada has almost two million individuals with this illness is alarming. Almost as disturbing as the 100% probability that wherever you see them next, be it a bus, oncology screening waiting room, or hell, even between songs at an elementary school concert, they will be watching a TikTok about how to earn passive income with compost at full volume.”
“Sometimes with headphones visibly displayed around their neck,” Kenther added with a shiver. “It’s terrifying.”
Veteran police detectives have stated that while the findings are chilling, they come as no surprise to those accustomed to dealing with individuals whose psychological disorders prevent them from feeling empathy.
“The reality is, you can spot a serial killer using a number of traits – reclusiveness, meticulousness, violent outbursts,” detective Bob Qundy of the RCMP’s Serious Crimes Branch. “But any psychological profiler worth his salt will tell you the easiest way is to hang out at a neighbourhood restaurant at the dinner hour and listen for the guy sitting alone at the bar watching an episode of Scrubs right off YouTube. The reason the BTK killer evaded capture for so long is because he figured out how to use a Walkman.”
“Just remember,” Qundy added, “Although all sociopaths blast from their phones, not all people who blast from their phones are sociopaths. It’s important to remember that some of them are psychopaths – there’s a difference.”
For parents concerned about potentially harmful tendencies, Dr. Kenther urged taking a proactive approach to their children’s mental health. “We may see signs of unemotionalism or callousness in young children, but the clearest indicators of sociopathy usually starts to emerge in early adolescence, when the subject’s older brother’s weird friend exposes him to harmful peer messages, such as ‘the world needs to hear more Pantera.’ This can be a gateway to much, much darker exploration,” Dr. Kenther explained.
While treatments for sociopaths can be tricky, healthcare providers are optimistic about some new experimental methods, which have met with limited but promising success.
“We can look at medication and anger management techniques to treat co-occurring conditions that may be aggravating a sociopath’s behavior,” Dr. Kenther stated. “We’ve also looked at just telling them to put their phones away. Like if you see somebody on the subway and you’re at the end of your commute and they seriously just take it out and they’re blasting it, they’re blasting it so loud you wonder, are they doing this because they want to hurt me? Or are they doing it because they want everyone to understand how much they hurt inside? To feel the anger, helplessness, the cosmic indifference to their being? They want people to suffer, not because they hate people, but because they want people to know their suffering, and forcing the entire Yonge-University subway line to listen to a cover of ‘Lil’ Boo Thang’ is the only way they can?”
“Yeah, if you’re in that situation and you ask them that, they usually put them away,” he added.
At press time, a follow-up study has confirmed that 100% of individuals who text in movie theatres are keeping a hitchhiker in a cage at their home.