NEW YORK – After a civil fraud ruling that will force Donald Trump to pay $355 million dollars, the former president is hoping to raise the cash by offering Republican voters a chance to donate that exact amount in exchange for one night of no-holds-barred passion with his son, Eric Trump.
“For the low low price of just $355 million dollars you get to not only stick it to the leftist deep state by paying off my very unfair fraud judgement,” Trump wrote in a fundraising email this afternoon, “but you also get to spend one glorious night with my second best-looking son. Do whatever you want, I don’t need to know the details.”
Trump added, “Eric’s real good at following orders, provided they’re not too complicated. Anything goes!”
The ruling saw Judge Arthur Engoron fine Trump and his companies $355 million, which the GOP frontrunner insisted he “could totally afford to pay, but don’t want to, because America”. It also barred Trump and his family from conducting business in the state of New York, which led Trump to specify that any New York residents purchasing a night with Eric would have to travel to New Jersey or international waters to claim their prize.
“I was hit with a multi-million dollar fine for falsely inflating the values of my properties, but there’s nothing ‘falsely inflated’ about my youngest son, if you catch my drift,” Trump noted suggestively, adding that the $355 million donation should be wired directly to Deutsche Bank’s Caribbean Holdings Division, and could also be paid entirely in rubles.
Insiders close to the family claim Eric had attempted to suggest that a night with Ivanka might attract more interest, though this idea was rejected by Trump who insisted he “didn’t want to get jealous”.
At press time Trump’s campaign has changed the offer from “$355 million for a night with Eric” to “$1 mil for a handy from Giuliani”.
