LOS ANGELES – The queen of Christmas Mariah Carey has admitted after nearly 30 years of her chart-topping single “All I Want for Christmas Is You,” she finally needs more than just you.
“It’s still not a lot,” explained the mega-star. “I just need two things now, you and the Dyson Airwrap Multi-styler. It’s the only multi-styler which dries, shapes, curls, and hides fly-aways on the market. I need that as well…and maybe the candle warmer lamp from Amazon.”
While the original song has been played 1.18 billion times on Spotify, the songwriter has promised to update the lyrics to her current mood regarding the holiday to state there are just four things she needs.
“Also, while I am at it, I need an Octavia wood serving board with 5 different cheese knives,” added Carey. “This stunning slab of acacia shows off a selection of my favourite cheeses and includes indentations specifically carved to hold three gleaming cheese knives. I guess I would also need Crate and Barrel’s chalkboard cheese markers or else there would be no point in having the serving board… so just 5 things for christmas… that’s all!”
The new version of the song has been delayed numerous times as Mariah continues to be persuaded by Tik Tok influencers to crave other gifts for christmas as well including a subscription to Chef’s Plate, some online sessions with a therapist on Betterhelp, and someone to pay for a download of the mobile game Raid: Shadow Legends.
“Listen I am Mariah-fucking-Carey,” exclaimed the Christmas queen. “If I want 40 things for Christmas, I’m getting 40 things. I’m not like you peasants who just need one person, I need products and services! And also Prince Harry’s autobiography “Spare” on audio-tape!”
