VICTORIA – Management consultant Howard Bear is using up the remainder of his yearly workplace medical benefits at his local vasectomy clinic, according to local sources.
“I don’t really enjoy acupuncture or massages, and I don’t need any dental work done,” Bear told reporters. “Then I remembered my wife and I had talked about a vasectomy, so I figured I might as well go ahead and get a bunch of them to be safe.”
Bear has since visited the clinic daily, alternating between getting a vasectomy and having the procedure reversed so he can return to use more benefits.
“I tried to get my buddy in for one, but my benefits aren’t transferable,” Bear said. “My testicles are getting pretty sore at this point, but it’s stupid to just leave money on the table.”
After speaking to reporters, Bear entered the clinic, greeted the receptionist by name, then shouted, “You eggheads ready for another look at my beautiful vas deferens?” down the hall.
“Many people don’t know that it’s fairly simple to reverse a vasectomy, should your family planning needs change,” said clinic doctor Charles Moon. “From a medical perspective, we generally don’t recommend having your scrotum sliced open for 12 days straight, but as professionals we do appreciate the muffin basket Mr. Bear brought us today.”
“Ah, shit, is my ammo live or not?” Bear asked himself after once again leaving the clinic. “I’ve completely lost track. Guess I’d better go back tomorrow to be safe.”
“I love that Ethan is making every penny count during tough times, but it’s hard to sleep when he moans, ‘Jesus Christ, my balls’ all night,” Bear’s wife said. “Plus he kept our frozen steaks on his crotch for so long they thawed.”
At press time, Bear decided to spend the last of his benefits on having his appendix removed and then re-inserted in a novel new location.
