The Edmonton Oilers suck. And not just how they’ve usually sucked for most of our lives. This was a team considered to be a Stanley Cup favourite by every NHL analyst who forgot that goaltending matters and they are currently in a race for last in the league with the San Jose Sharks.
Now they could still turn it around and McDavid does have two years left on his contract after this season, so there really is no need to move him. But it’s funnier to imagine a scenario where they would seriously consider doing this so fuck it, here are 4 trade proposals ranked by quality of assets returned AND how mad they would make Oilers fans.
4. L.A. Kings
Kings receive: Connor McDavid, the flaming garbage can that is Jack Campbell’s contract
Oilers receive: Quentin Byfield, Pierre-Luc Dubois and two firsts
Looks like Deja-Vu all over again. Admittedly this trade doesn’t address either of the Oilers’ big needs: defence and goaltending. But what it does have going for it is the fact that it makes every Oilers fan over 40 re-experience the trauma of losing The Great One to the Kings. And I think that’s worth a lot.
3. Boston Bruins
Boston receives: Connor McDavid, the washed up on the beach whale carcass that is Jack Campell’s contract
Oilers receive: Linus Ullmark, Jake DeBrusk, Matthew Poitras, Fabian Lysell and a 2026 first
This is basically the exact same deal that John Buccigross proposed for Draisaitl earlier this month that Oilers fans absolutely hated, but it’s been a LONG few weeks since then. Ullmark has been one of the best goalies in the league for the second straight year, and the Oilers would suddenly have depth to build around. Plus McDavid would be on the East Coast so you’d only see him twice a year. On the other hand the notion of trading the best player of the decade for a 30 year old platoon goalie and a bunch of filler is so offensive to any notion of fairness that it would certainly send Oilers fans into a rage so powerful it would finally deliver an alternate energy source to Alberta. Win-Win.
2. Toronto Maple Leafs
Leafs receive: Connor McDavid, the 500 yards of shit-smelling foulness Andy Dufresne crawled through that is Jack Campbell’s contract
Oilers receive: Mitch Marner, Timothy Liljegren, Easton Cowan, Matthew Knies and a first
You get a perennial (almost) 100 point a season player to feed Leon, a young defenceman, two great looking prospects and a chance to draft another one! How do you say no to this? Oh right because the sight of McDavid in a Leafs jersey will make everyone outside the GTA puke. That’s fine we’ll just wait a couple years and sign him without having to give up anyone.
1. Calgary Flames
Flames receive: Connor McDavid, the smell of a microwave that has only ever been used to heat up fish that is Jack Campbell’s contract
Oilers receive: Markstrom, Tanev, Weegar and Zadorov
Did someone say defence and goaltending? Well good news Oilers fans because all your problems in these areas have been solved. You would have enough D to finally move on from guys like Ceci and Bouchard. Who would score the goals you wonder? Well that isn’t really our fucking problem. Surely a GM as experienced as Ken Holland can figure it out. And who would stop every single Oilers fan from punching themselves in the face repeatedly when McDavid scores a hatty during the next Battle of Alberta? I don’t know the cops maybe?
Anyways good luck Edmonton. Thank you for making the start of this season so, so funny.
