NEW YORK – People across the United States and entire world are reportedly breathing sighs of relief that the former President is experiencing legal consequences, before he could do any real damage.
“It’s been a terrifying seven years,” Jean Glint of Lansing, Michigan told reporters, in the wake of Donald Trump’s surrender and arraignment. “But thanks to the swift action of those in power, Trump will now think twice before pressuring officials to falsify election results for him, attempting to extort a foreign head of state for dirt on his political opponent, sexually violating countless women, wrecking small businesses by refusing to honour his contracts, or exhorting a cadre of violent, armed followers to attempt a murderous coup.”
“If he hadn’t been forced to face consequences now, and not a minute later, he may have been allowed to do any number of these things,” Glint added. “I thank God that we, as a nation, have acted so fast.”
Individuals across the world also expressed optimism about the impact Trump’s being indicted would have on his chances for re-election.
“I for one am really hopeful that being the first US president in history to be indicted will prevent him from winning in 2024,” stated Tim Gronl, of Vancouver. “And thank goodness – just imagine the harm he could do if elected again. He could cheer the locking of children in cages, appoint Supreme Court justices bent on rolling back fundamental rights, call on foreign governments to hack his opponents’ email, ignore a pandemic, take home classified documents just for fun, tell people to drink bleach, and suck up to foreign dictators to make himself feel more like them. But I’m hopeful that American voters will, thanks to this indictment, choose to prevent him from doing that.”
“This is a proud day!” Gronl added, before taking an unusually large sip of water and deciding to turn on Fox News for a change.