BARRIE, ON – A local couple who have lived in the same house for over two decades have been shocked to discover their home has heating.
“It’s just not something that ever occurred to us,” says matriarch Holly Friesen, her breath visible in the air. “Barrie is such a naturally warm and welcoming place. Why would we ever need indoor heating?”
Her husband Jack agrees. “When we found a house with an indoor skating rink, I just thought to myself, ‘Score!’” he says, barely audible beneath layers of knit sweaters and his chattering teeth. “I didn’t realize I just hadn’t activated the heated floors.”
The Friesens made the shocking discovery during the most recent Ontario storm, when they ventured into the basement in search of more ice cubes for their cold brew – or as they call it, “room temperature coffee”. Since then, they’ve made a host of discoveries about their house, including a mirror that was actually just solid ice, a fireplace meant for more than just Santa Claus, and a literal gateway to hell that froze over in 2009.
When asked what he thought the little fire icon on the thermostat was for, Jack responded, “Why would I want to call the fire department?”
The Friesens’ eldest son Noel only realized something was off about his parents’ home temperature when he moved away with the family dog, who promptly shed its lifelong winter coat and revealed it was actually a cat.
“I didn’t know what frostbite was until I was nineteen,” says Noel, who now operates a successful glass cutting business. “I thought that was just my skin tone.”
“The first time I shaved my legs, I nearly died of hypothermia,” says daughter Winter Friesen. “My happiest childhood memories are when I was sick with a fever.” Her account was confirmed by local hospital records and also every childhood friend she ever had with a pool.
At press time, the Friesens were reported to not be making use of their newly-discovered heat, opting instead to use the extra money on a tropical vacation to the Northwest Territories.
