EDMONTON, AB – Local weirdo, Felix Bonner, 36, recently told his co-workers that despite its horrible vomit-like taste, he actually enjoys fruitcakes.
“It’s just a nice blend of sweetness and spices,” said the complete abomination of a man, Bonner, as he rubbed his chin, probably thinking about what it would be like to eat dog poop too since he’s into that kind of fucked up shit. “My grandma used to make a great one. I don’t know, it just reminds me of my childhood.”
Bonner’s developer co-workers were quick to point out how nauseating his declaration was. Social media manager Larissa Cummings stated, “Liking something that tastes like leather dipped in plum sauce and phlegm is actually a sign of a sociopath. I heard it on a podcast. There was even an episode of Freaky Eaters about fruitcake. Apparently it’s worse for your digestive system than eating drywall.”
Most believe the horridness of fruitcake is common knowledge, given the booger bits, slimy yet dry texture, and density that could kill a person if dropped from only a few storeys up. In fact, a study at the University of Alberta resulted in 93% of Canadians believing grocery stores sell fruitcake as a joke.
However, Bonner is apparently just one of those depraved human fuckfaces that enjoys a dessert probably invented during a time when people just shit in the ground. Bonner has also stated that he enjoys blood pudding, black licorice, blue cheese, and candy corn. He continued, “Cilantro’s my favourite herb. I just think it’s yummy.”
Cummings continued, stating Bonner has come forward saying he enjoys other detestable Christmas traditions like Secret Santa and visiting his in-laws. She explained, “After he told me all this, I couldn’t help picturing him torturing small animals. He needs to be locked up. And listen, I don’t like throwing around the term ‘genocide,’ but we just don’t know what this complete degenerate is capable of. I don’t feel safe working with him.”
At press time, Bonner explained how he only eats the fruitcakes that are soaked in rum for 30 days and all his co-workers suddenly understood.
