By: Jordan Peterson
Imagine if you will, a sale of sorts, in which the hierarchical notion of sovereignty and power is given directly back to the consumer. This individual person of power, which by person I mean man, and power I mean something only a white man should have, is akin to the spirit or pattern inherent in the human hierarchy of authority, as in a Walmart or a Best Buy.
Okay, now that I’ve said enough meaningless crap to lull you into my pseudo-intellectualism, I just want to say I’m mad that I’ve imagined I have been excluded yet again. And by excluded, I mean not included in everything I can see and digest at all times. As a white male, you can’t force me to use your preferred pronouns, and you can’t force me to refer to today by anything other than its historically Christian name: Friday. I will be paying full price for this television set. Thank you very much.
Imagine the rancour, the tumult, the sheer meltdown the so-called liberals would have were I to declare a ‘White Friday’ sale at my online merchandise store that sells mainly unpasteurized milk and my daughter’s used workout clothes. While steak-water leaks from my mouth, I am not salivating at the thought of Sports Illustrated only showing thin, shrivelled people like myself and my daughter. I am foaming at this moment in particular from the ‘wokeness’ of the visible colour spectrum, and while I have my issues with pink, green, blue, purple, and pink, today I will address, for no particular racist, I mean reason, the colour Black.
While I’ve spent most of my time recently sucking up to the rich son of an emerald miner, we must also address this new, entirely left-based concept of a “Black Friday.” Apparently now straight, white males can’t even have Fridays anymore. I did some important, logic-based math, and discovered that while Friday is 1/5th of all the weekdays, white males only make up 1/16th of earth’s population.
Some of you may argue these numbers “mean nothing,” but my twitter followers, which are mostly comprised of robots who also follow Elon Musk and Donald Trump, will understand the shocking result these numbers express. Especially if I toss a few “sovereignty,” “spirit,” and “hierarchies” phrases in there while explaining it.
On that note, I implore my followers to reject the idea of a “Bloody Sunday,” which is clearly the Trudeau government’s prejudice against people who, like me, have their blood inside of their body.
