VANCOUVER – In a rare interview, a sea bird floating off the pacific coast of British Columbia has confirmed that, although it is currently struggling to breathe around plastic straw wedged in its throat, it still firmly believes that paper straws are “just the absolute worst.”
“Look, I’m a huge fan of the ocean. Grew up here. Live here. Raised all my kids here. Really just a swell place,” said the bird, a 6-year-old Short-tailed albatross taking shallow gasps of air through a plastic McDonalds straw. “But every time I imagine the sensation of trying to take those last sips of iced coffee through the mush of a dissolving paper straw, I realize that I would be willing to drain this place dry if it meant no one ever had to experience that again.”
Other animals of the pacific coast echoed the bird’s pro-plastic sentiments.
“I mean, is it ideal that I’m tangled in an inescapable plastic prison that will ultimately outlive me by more than a thousand years?” asked an 18-year sea turtle who has spent much of its life ensnared in a plastic Superstore grocery bag. “Of course it’s not. But you know what’s also not ideal? Packing your groceries into a biodegradable paper bag and then having to hold the bottom so it doesn’t rip and drop eggs all over your shoes. God, what an unthinkable horror.”
When pressed for further comment, the marine life of the Pacific unanimously agreed that they would be willing to get caught on plastic sippy cup lids for all eternity if it meant even one human would be spared the horror of a straw that always makes drinks taste a little bit like cardboard.
“At this point, there’s so much plastic in the ocean that we have no hope of ever cleaning it up, and will be forced to sit idly by as it chokes the life from one of the richest biomes on the planet,” commented a hermit crab currently using a tall-sized Starbucks cup as a shell. “So really, the least we can do now is let humans enjoy their drinks while it happens.”