WASHINGTON D.C. – In a 5-4 decision the U.S. Supreme Court reversed Roe v. Wade yesterday, holding that women could not be allowed to have abortions because some of the babies would likely grow up to be gun owners protected by the 2nd amendment.
“Balancing competing rights is the trickiest part of being a judge,” wrote Samuel Alito. “One one hand you have 50 years of jurisprudence saying women have a right to control their own bodies, but on the other hand the 2nd amendment does say ‘shall not be infringed’ right there.”
“It would clearly be infringing on the 2nd amendment rights of a fetus to abort him before he ever gets to know how firing a Magnum Revolver makes him feel like a big strong man.”
The three liberal justices strongly dissented, pointing out that a clump of cells eventually getting to go shooting with the boys is less important than a woman’s right to survive an ectopic pregnancy, but they simply didn’t have the votes.
Chief Justice Roberts dissented in part, saying he wouldn’t overturn Roe but would be in favour of making it mandatory that every abortion doctor explain to women seeking treatment that their child would probably love hunting one day. Nevertheless it was Alito’s opinion that carried the day.
“Rights must derive from the Constitution. The Constitution clearly gives gun-owners the right to bear arms. By extension fetuses must be given the right to grow arms that they can one day bear.”