OTTAWA – An independent study tracking how our elected Members of Parliament spend their day has found that, in average work week, the majority of an MPs time is spent sitting at their desk, thinking about how, when and where they would punch Pierre Poilievre right in the face.
“Going in we assumed MPs spend most of their time considering legislation or doing work for their constituents,” said lead researcher Dr. Helen Paley. “But turns out it’s just imagining what it must feel like to interrupt one of his preening speeches and sock him in the kisser.”
“Plus of course imagining what cool line they would say right after, like ‘maybe you won’t sound so nasal now’ or ‘the CBC says hello’.”
There were some differences amongst the parties. NDP and Liberal MPs spend nearly 60% of their day thinking about hitting Poilievre, while Conservative MPs spend only 51%. However, in the case of Conservative Party Leader Erin O’Toole, the number often reaches as high as 98%.
“I would never physically strike a fellow member of parliament, let’s be clear about that,” said one MP who wished to go unnamed. “But I can’t deny that when we’re in Question Period or a committee hearing I sometimes let my mind wander and it always ends up in the same place. My foot up his ass.”
The MP then adapted a wistful expression and his eyes unfocused as he looked off, clearly taking a moment. “Stay down Pierre,” he whispered to himself as a big smile broke out across his face.
The study also found that MPs spend a quarter of their day trying to figure out who cooked fish in the Parliamentary Microwave.