OTTAWA – Following a recent census, Health Canada has determined the sole source of vaccine hesitancy comes from an adverse reaction experienced by ‘friend’s, cousin’s, boyfriend’ or some similar rumour with three degrees of separation.
The census showed that vaccine hesitancy does not stem from researching peer-reviewed studies or discussing it with their physician, but rather from one guy who told another guy who told Nicki Minaj that his balls got really big.
Despite health experts providing mounds of evidence detailing the safety and efficacy of the COVID-19 vaccines, those hesitant are still really hung up on that one weird story about that guy they’ve never met.
“No way am I getting the shot,” stated Calgary resident, David Spencer. “It’s dangerous and experimental – my neighbour’s dog walker’s hair stylist got it, and now she can’t see the colour red.” Spencer went on to insist that red is a very pretty colour, and he can’t risk not seeing it.
Experts have weighed in on the debate to explain that some adverse reactions people are associating with the vaccine could very likely be unrelated — occurring around the time of injection by coincidence. Though, the anti-vax community remains steadfast.
“My mailman’s estranged daughter’s dental hygienist said she lost a tooth 6 months after she got the shot, and immediately after getting punched in the face” stated hospital protestor Lisa Jennings. “There’s something they’re not telling us!!”
At press time one man came forward claiming that if he hadn’t gotten the vaccine he probably wouldn’t have nailed his hand to the wall just now.
