SPACEPORT AMERICA — Billionaire entrepreneurs Richard Branson, Jeff Bezos, and Elon Musk have announced plans to pool their resources to launch a collective $100 billion dollars in unmarked bills into space.
“Nobody in the history of the world has ever launched this much hard currency into outer space, and we are proud to inspire the entire human race by sending our money first,” explained Bezos, currently the wealthiest man on a planet that continues to struggle with a global pandemic.
The billionaires’ plan will reportedly involve liquidating a small portion of their own personal fortunes into bills, “as well as some of those cool gold coins”, then loading them into a multi-million dollar shuttle atop a single-use Falcon 9 rocket. The shuttle will then be launched into Earth’s atmosphere where the money will experience 3-4 minutes of weightlessness, before then being safely guided down to a runway landing and then returned to the billionaires’ respective bank accounts.
“We can’t wait to see our money experience the majesty of space, and we assume other people can’t either,” exclaimed Branson as he watched security guards load pallets of stacked dollar bills into the cockpit.
“I truly can’t think of anything more important that this money could be doing here on Earth right now, especially in a week where a British Columbia town burst into flame and the ocean lit on fire,” Bezos added.
The three billionaire tycoons had been in a race to see which of them would personally use their own vast resources to travel to space first, with Branson succeeding this past Sunday. “I’m the best Space Boy,” Branson shouted while cheering for himself. The group’s new plan to send $100 billion dollars has now come as a surprise.
“Richard won, so we’re going to use his spaceport to send all our money up into space,” explained a visibly disappointed Musk, who plans to cheer himself up by spending hundreds of millions more completing his Texas spaceport and not ending poverty.
At press time, Bezos, Musk, and Branson have cancelled the launch and all announced separate plans to launch their own $100 billion piles of money into space.