Markham, ON – Local man, Mark Hamilton, stores his milk carton on it’s side like a goddamn fucking animal.
“It’s just more ergonomic this way,” stated a deranged Hamilton, who wedged the aforementioned milk carton next to the cheese drawer on the second rack. “For so long I was placing it upright but it just took up too much air-space! Now that I have it laying horizontal between these two narrow shelves, I can use the topmost shelf to stack the meager leftovers I keep in overly large plastic containers. Ergo, ergonomics.”
According to the biggest piece of shit we’ve ever met, he tried storing the milk on the fridge door once but then he wasn’t sure where to move his vegetables to. “Before you say anything, if I moved my celery from the door to the vegetable crisper, where would I keep my condiments? Besides, the cheese drawer is already full of eggs…”
“I’m from Vancouver,” began Eduard Vasconez, Hamilton’s live-in partner. “And so it took me a hot second to wrap my head around the whole milk-in-bags thing but THIS is next level.”
Vasconez then went on to explain that Hamilton allegedly sleeps without pillows so that there is “more room in the bed” and also loves the feeling of when his socks roll down in his boots and gets stuck under his arches. “I guess you really don’t know if you’re dating a sick fuck until you live with them.”
“Listen, if society didn’t want us to put the carton on the side, why would they make such effective twist lids?” explained an obviously disturbed Hamilton, between bites of a sandwich that he made using only the end slices of bread. “If we are at the point where we cannot trust the integrity of our homegrown Canadian milk twist lids, then we failed as a country. Now, excuse me, I have to investigate why my fridge is always sticky…”
At press time, Hamilton was seen sieving pulp out of orange juice and adding it to another jug because the more pulp the better.
